The Reason For My Flaws...

I will admit im a sensative person...i'm to emotional...i love the sweetest things in life and im really nice so anything small is a big deal for me. Just last night i was reading this book for English class and it gets to this part were this guy keeps badgering this old man that his old dog needs to be shot cause it can't even see and it can barely move..finally the old man gives in and this whole speech about the poor dog and what the guy is going to do to it made me bawl. And when it desribed how it was all quiet in the lil house and all of a sudden you hear the gun sound.....that really made me cry harder....so yes you can think im fucking insane and just retarded but i can't help it...that was really sad to read. I have had 5 people tel me i'm too nice for my own good....but honestly i can't help it...like most girls would say to Coley we aren't moving bitch or like tell off my certain friend who is dishonest with me all the time most girls would confront them and be all bitch....but i just can't i mean why be like that??? And lately this week i've been getting more and more stressed out. Tonight i swore i was going to have a heartattack. Today was horrible...sat there in math class getting back my test result when i thought i had done really good finding out its a fucking C. And in biology i have an F and in math i have an F also. I know why me and Matt have so many problems....its all my stress it turns me into this high strung person whos so fucking upset and doesn't even know whats goin on half the time...i remember the time he told me that im not the girl he fell in love with last summer and hes right cause school kicked in and it turns me into a person i dont know how to change. Whats worse is i see him barely in school and does he ever act sweet does he ever say anything thats really that sweet no not really....he just acts like hes put out to hug me. And it hurts me sooooo bad....he has no idea...i have been treated like dirt my whole life so everything small hits me hard...i know he probably has his reasons but it still hurts and confuses me. i feel so unappriencted by him that everytime im in his presence i dont ever know how to act....i just feel that no matter what i say or do im going to get the eye roll. the god hunny your a bitch speech...or the u gotta change speech. He has to find anything to pick at....Everyday im stressed out and it makes me over react a lot....everyday i want to cry and everyday i go WHY THE FUCK AM I ON THIS EARTH!!!! I know everyone hates me...i know im shy i know im not pretty i know i have flaws (mostly come out during school) i get harassed everyday by everyone including my bf....today he actually finally said some words that were comforting he hugged me tight like i love you and put his head on my shoulder and said im here for you baby dont forget it......which punched me in the stomach cause i honestly dont think he gives a fuck.....everytime i talk to him about something that upsets me or something that really hurt me he throws it all on me...its all my fault im a bitch blah blah.....everyday he has to remind me how horrible a person i am and calls me bitch and it hurts me too much.....whcih is why i go silent which makes him even madder thinking im being mantupalitve IM NOT!!!! Im just so sick of being called that by the person i love the best. I feel so much pressure to be perfect in his eyes and i never will be perfet in his eyes its impossible i know it is....I just want to die i want out of this life....i cant make anyone like me.....all my friends ont like me my own bf cant stand me everyone in all the grades hate me i want out of this world so bad just so all the stress of school, the stupid people who hate me, the stress of feeling ugly and worthless goes away....to go to sleep forever....Matthew Fuller i love you so much you have no idea....you may not think i love you or care for you but baby i do....i love you and think of you as my best friend, my love, my soulmate....the person that i count on always....even though u hurt me i still know u care for me and my love for you never falters. You could fucking beat me up and walk away if u wanted to talk i would talk to u and i would still care for u. I would love to change but all i get thrown at me is all this hate everyday and he walks in and brings me down which makes my self esteem lower and my feeling that im shit on a shoe deeper...whcih makes my flaws get worse......hunny all i need is words of comfort im still a girl i need stuff to remind me that u do love me....idk i just need nicer words i just get all these harsh words hun. I hide behind my smile allday and i act all out there cause it helps me hide my pain that i feel everyday.....im a mess i will adit.....the only time my smile is for real is when im with my love.....weekends ah i love em all my school hw stress is gone and im away from all my haters so im more relaxed and im with him....thats why i want summer sooooo bad cause i know him and me will be the cutest powerfulest couple.  Today i wanted to collapse in his arms and just cry my heart out but i couldn't and i know that and i know he hates it whn i cry so i can't lol. I know if him and I could only talk and let me vent about where all my flaws come from we could make it a lil better.....i just want to be held and coddled and be babyed to by sweet words......something that i never get unless its from him....never got it as a kid whcih is probably why once i love you i never stop loving you....I also do know tht he cares for me i truely do get it but i ust wish he showed it to me....and i love it that hes trying to show me my flaws and help me but i just wish he would stop with the insults and be nicer about it it would help me to stop being so over reacnt and so upset all the time though most of  it comes from shcool and all my haters....so me being upset and stressed out and hiding my pain is the reason for my flaws...so how im going to change i have no idea baby.....and hunny im so sory to put u down i will try to calm down from now and ask u questions in a calm way instead of jumping on u.....but in return u have to be nicer and u always rate girsl around me it hurts me baby why do u do it like i really want to know that sam is on the sexy scale as me cause that just makes me feel ugly and injured sry that i feel this way i know im yours but it stilll stabs at me :/  Matt im just a waste im no good for you or this earth.....i dont deserve you but im so happy that u are with me cause we cant deny we do get along good once i can destress from school that it is lol....all im saying is hun plz love me plz no i mean no harm i just im not a person who can deal with all this stress from school im srys....SUMMER WILL BE AMAzING THOUGH ;)